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Stop Fu*king Around on Robinhood & Invest Like an Adult

It’s my job to be boring. As a financial advisor, I spend my days forcing my clients to trade in their volatile fun stocks for boring dependable ones. I need to if I’m going to make them rich.

Warren Buffett & over a century of data confirm that the only stock you should ever buy is a U.S. Total Market Index Fund. These index funds are the Toyota Camry of stock. They’re incredibly boring but they end up being the car you’re supposed to get once you’re a mature adult.

A total market index fund invests in every company in America. These companies are mostly managed by boring 55 year old white men with no imagination or balls. They rarely do anything risky and they just chug along doing the same sh*t they’ve been doing for decades. This consistency leads to predictability. The data suggests that if you invest in these lame predictable companies, you’ll make good money in the long run. And by long run, I really mean long. I’m talking 15, 25, 50 years out.

Maybe your Robinhood portfolio made really good money this month. Congrats! I don’t give a sh*t. I need you making good money for the next 40 years. That’s the kind of slow steady growth that’s gonna make you rich. Don’t get me wrong, Robinhood is fun as hell. I just need you to see it as a trip to Vegas and not a responsible place to put your investments. If you want the thrill of placing a $300 bet on GameStop, go for it. You have my blessing. Before I was a financial advisor and in my 20s I placed risky bets on volatile stocks. Some panned out and some didn’t. But when you need a responsible place to save for retirement, the only stock you should own is a U.S. total market index fund.

If you are younger than 25, you should be experimenting with drugs, fuc*king strangers and trading volatile stocks on Robinhood. If you’re older than 25, you need to grow the fu*k up. Do less drugs, start having sex with people that respect you and start investing in index funds.

When I was 20, I dated a bi-polar girl with pierced nipples. It was the most exciting 7 weeks of my life. Obviously, it ended in flames. I don’t regret it. I’d even recommend that everyone in their 20s should date an emotionally unstable person just once. She was my Robinhood.

Now I’m 40. Almost all my money is in index funds and I have a wife who does not have pierced nipples. She isn’t as fun as the crazy girl but she makes me laugh and is always there for me. It’s the most fulfilling romantic relationship I’ve ever been. She’s my index fund.

PS — There are a zillion index funds. Warren Buffet and my favorite is VTSAX.

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