The Hot New Guy
TLDR: Make the stock market your husband. Make crypto your lover.
I’m in love with the U.S. stock market. I’ve known him since kindergarten. He’s smart, funny, ambitious and handsome. In 6th grade, he became my boyfriend. The relationship has had a lot of ups and a few small downs but it’s mostly been fantastic. We have a lot of history together and I’m confident that our relationship will do well in the long-run.
Last week, a brand new guy started going to my high school. His name is Crypto. He’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. He’s brilliant, hilarious and smoking hot. He’s much more complicated than all the other boys in a really sexy way. He’s forward thinking and loves to talk about the future. There’s even rumors that he’s into threesomes.
Even though I’ve only known Crypto for a week, I’m way more into him than any guy I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Stock Market, but sometimes when I’m with him, I catch myself thinking about Crypto.
Last week, I found out that Crypto thinks I’m cute. He wants me to ask him out. I feel like I need to act fast! If I don’t do it now, someone else will snatch him up and he’ll be too expensive to take out in the future. But…what happens if I date Crypto and he turns out to be a psycho? He’s an unknown. I’ve know Stock Market since kindergarten and I’ve only known Cryto for a single week. It seems foolish to make decisions about a guy who I know so little about. My friend Warren Buffett thinks that Crypto is a poser and has no real substance. He thinks Crypto is a flash in the pan and he’ll probably end up being expelled from school soon. Warren has never been wrong before.
FML. What should I do?
Good news! Stock Market and I had a really long talk. It turns out Stock Market is OK if we have an open relationship. As long as I wear protection, I can spend a small amount of time with Crypto. We came up with 3 important ground rules:
1. My retirement investments will always stay with Stock Market.
2. I keep 3–6 months of cash in a savings account for an emergency.
3. I can invest no more than 1% of my net worth into Crypto.
If Crypto ends up being a psycho and stealing my money, I can handle losing 1% of my net worth to him. But if Crypto is as incredible as some people think, then we’ll have some amazing times together. Maybe we’ll even have a threesome.